Jo.Writes.Down.

How My Brain Operates...

 

I'm more awake after five p.m. then before.   My days do start out with a direction of little or no direction at all.  I feel suffocated by too much structure.  I feel like I can breathe when there is an element of spontaneity and energy to whatever I am doing and when that is curbed?  I feel low.

 

So, to answer "why would you do that?"  It involves a tea kettle, an Rx, forgotten funds and that's just for starters...  Let me explain my day.  It takes much poking and prodding and bribery to pry my fingernails from their death's grasp on my blanket and once awakened there's the whole uneventful showering routine except I guess it could be eventful... I always wish I had a pen and paper when I wake and have some idea that I think is brilliant and will struggle to remember like a foggy, mist of a dream.

 

Next, I chose a task something simple like see the eye doctor, but I'm plagued still by shower idea that I cannot let rest and I end up combining the doctor with the grocery store.  I get sidetracked by a friend but in the back of my mind are now two things: one, the brilliant soup idea for later that I'm still missing parts of and oh, I need to fill eye doctor Rx while down town.  Hey where's my wallet? A pack of gum?!!  Then, I remember (a little) that I took my bag off my power wheelchair earlier that day and my wallet is at home on the table – a  fat lot of good that does me now.  So, I beat it to the bank and try my best not to get sidetracked.  Thankfully for me I had good timing.

 

I went back home where both wallet and eye doctor Rx exist and this time I am off again.  I try my best not to get distracted but I got sidetracked elsewhere either before the Rx recovery or after.  See? even I don't remember and I was there!  One last store trip... something reminded me I had forgotten stuff and I came home with two new spices (not in the recipe -- can we say sidetracked?) and without the damned avocado that I needed in the first place -- classic.

 

I make soup at the same time I'm making a smoothie for tomorrow and tea for tonight.  At least that's how it feels in the moment.  In the middle of all of that I remember thinking Phillip.  I really like that name and if I ever names any of my belongings virtual or mobility related it would be Phillip.  Soup needs more sea salt and spinach...  SPINACH!  OMG!!! (Hey, don't hate me grammar police I hear it's totally in the dictionary now.  I'll wait while you go check.)   Then, I was off making a smoothie and somehow the tea boiled over a little.  It’s weird that I never heard it.

 

So if we ever should meet or we have been lucky enough to cross paths already and my mind starts to meander just allow it to happen.  Maybe you've heard this story I'm telling you for the first time or the millionth time.  Please  take my randomness especially my story-telling as my fondness for you,  somewhere in my mind… somewhere in my heart I keep telling these stories because I know I have found the right person(s) to give them a home in their heart.  This has always been me and is apparently my brain's way of trying to communicate some important lesson with someone I love.  

 

The converse is just me not giving a damn and never saying a word.  I have too much love for that.

 

Honey, You're no Yarway.

"So, what did you make?"  She says,  casually glancing  at the ever disappering two pound honey jar.  "Oh, I didn't make anything this time.  -- just tea..."  and I wanted to say, "...nothing honey just trying to breathe."  but it seemed so trite so I stopped.  I picked up a flu-bug that I can't seem to shake and scalding water, lemon & honey are my refuge as of late.

 

Strike that, tea & deafening music are my refuge.  

 

 

 

Thank the G-ddess the snow is melting both outside and in.  Have you ever just felt frozen on the inside?  I've felt that way long before winter came.   The fresh possibilities brought along with warmer weather are exciting to say the least!  

 

 

 

Harboring a Fugitive...

 

 

I've been harboring a fugitive for awhile now.  

 

You can't see her, but the effect of her presence is felt by me just the same.  

 

She's the most un-welcome house guest ever!  Often causing my jaw to set and my eye to frantically twitch at the most inoportune times.  I've tried to no avail to negotiate with her to stop pulling at my hamstrings like I'm a marionette puppet, but She's mischievious  and  when you can't see her you'll know She's there.  She causes my leg, feet, and eye spasms and a whole host of other invisible but well orchestrated aches and pains.  She'll cause my current train of thought to derail for instance.  What an engineer!   She can even make me collapse like an accordion.  

 

Who is She and why haven't I just told her to leave?

 

She is "stress."   My body's reaction to a build-up of negativity both inside and out.  Unfortunately, She can't be told to just hit the bricks so easily.  She's well fed now with me.  Feeding on a diet of anxiety and a broken self esteem and efficacy readings that run so low it could single handedly stop global warming.  I say this now NOT because I am phishing to hear what I need to hear.  I'm just stating: the real, the obvious, the present sitution.

 

Up until now, I always just took the shit that came my way.  Often it was cruel, belittling, telling me in no un-certain terms I was nothing & never would be.  I was to always equate this as love.  Yes, LOVE.   This means that I often times was made to feel someone else's misplaced guilt for my own happiness.  So to those who don't know how to to use thier heart for anything other than breaking another's... in my heart I can no longer let you in.

 

I need to quell this feeling that who & how I am needs to be met with anyone's approval other than my own.  Seriously, approval seeking isn't who I am.  It never has been.  So if who and how I am offends you, doesn't measure up to what you're looking for /or/ you feel the immense need to still tell me how I should live my life...  Well, here is my  fugitive.  You can have Her.  She'll love,  love you and your insecurities that you've turned outwards towards me and with you She will be well fed on your ignorance that's for sure.  

 

Oh, and lastly... yes as you can tell by now I live my life very candidly.  So, I would be remiss if I didn't offer the following advice to those who only build-up the anxiety and stress fugitives rather than build-up the ones they profess to love & care about... which is simply, "go to hell!"   There, I think I feel a tiny bit better already.

Exterminate Hatred and Bigotry

 

When I was first told about the image above that was porporting people with Autisim should die or are rude, I was aghast.  The saying going that if you have met one person with Autisim you have met one person with Autitism.  No two persons are alike,  I have been fortunate enough in my lifetime to cross paths with many children & adults who have Autisim. 

 

My room mate, who has Asperger's, is a delight.  It's never dull with her around.  Is she rude?  Never.  She is blessed with being very forthwright and tells it as it is.  I respect her for that.  Is she annoying?  At times, but it is only because she is guilty of truly loving life and wants to share that with me in her own way.

 

I will admit to my own bigotry that upon first meeting her I wished one of us would leave.  I cannot believe the depths of my own hatred, bigotry and utter ignorance.  My room mate and her friends are unbelievely smart!  I would rather talk to them for hours on end then to Google a topic, but am I going to throw sticks on  the floor to see if they can add them in a flourish or give them a telephone book to read and memorize?  Rainman is not reality folks.  It has done just as much damage to those with Autisim as Forrest Gump has to those like myself with Cerebral Palsy.

 

What I am trying to say, is here are some of the most beautiful, creative, loving and joyous folks you will ever hope to meet.  I hope that when you do meet them you see them for the beauty they contain and together we can exterminate the true ills:  hatred & bigotry.

 

Traits of a Person with Autism                                                    11 Myths About Autism

 

                                                                 Famous People with Autism                      

 

                                                        15 Things You Should Never Say To An Autistic

 

Be Here Now...

 

 

Whenever I think of all the buzz words for staying focused whether it's being in the now or flow, I always hear this quiet voice tell me to feel my body in my clothes and my feet in my shoes.  And, I'm brought back around to the "here" to the "now" slowly & quiely.

 

One of my go to comfort memories is sitting on the back porch swing with my Grand-Pa.  We'd sit out there and rock for what seemed like forever.  He always listened and if I was really lucky he'd share family stories with me.  It was our time.   

 

I'm going back to my hometown for the first time in years and I sit here and surround myself with those mental photographs of the days my nephews and niece were born and holding them for the first time, those walks Mom and I always took in the fall to the library or that feeling of not being able to wait to get to Chicago because they had great zoos and museums.  There are so many things I miss.

 

I wonder what I'll say what I step off that train and into my folk's house for over... well, it's been a long time.  I've never really been at a loss for words, but so long ago I left with so many things left unsaid between us as a family.  I hope I won't forget to say, "I love you."  I honestly don't know what I will say or do after that... maybe that's all one can do?

 

 

Direction

So, it's well past December 21st 2012 and guess what?!!  I'm alive!  And, so are you!!!  Let's get happy about that for a moment.  :::moment:::  *sigh*  2013 and I have a Great-Niece who isn't even one years old yet.  *deeper sigh*  So far in '13 all I have managed to do is pull my back which accounts for the astounding lack of posts...

 

 

In 2013, I have resolved to:

* eat the food

* play the game (see: video)

* read the book

* take the walk

* snap the shot

* see the show

* live and let live

 

So, with my '13 resolutions in mind I will be changing the direction of this blog to that of a food blog.  I know, right?!!  I hope you Stay tuned.  Get excited.  I experiment.  Most of the time it's funny & it's always a good time.

 

See 'ya soon,

Jo

Non-emergency medical transport needs a make-over in Connecticut

Logisticare is Connecticut’s non-emergency transportation provider since 1997. Logisticare follows the business principals: compassion, accuracy and efficiency. 

Have you ever arrived too late to be seen by your medical provider and therefore had to re-schedule, because you did not receive a call from Logisticare that they were having difficulty locating a provider or simply running late? 

Have 

you ever had to wait for a pick-up from your medical provider for more than two hours only to be given an ETA (estimated time of arrival – for your vehicle) of five minutes? New Horizons has been working towards becoming a non-emergency transportation provider. 

We ask those of you who have been treated by Logisticare unfairly to keep a daily log to include: 

1. Your full name.

2. Address

3. Date of appointment

4. Location of appointment

5. Time for scheduled pick-up to your medical provider

6. The actual time of pick-up from your home to your medical provider.

7. Were you able to see your medical provider or did you have to cancel your appointment. 

8. What was your pick-up time from your medical provider to your home. Note: If you are a “Will Call” please indicate the time you called Logisticare for a return trip.

9. How long did you wait for your ride home?

10. How has riding with the Logisticare service impacted your daily life? For example: Getting home too late to be assisted by an aide for meals, etc... 

11. Have you ever felt unsafe on the van? For example: not being properly strapped down while riding in your wheelchair /or/ riding in a van with a broken lift...

12. Have you ever been treated rudely while riding with Logisticare?

Please submit logs to NHVTENANTS@gmail.com

If you have any questions please dial: **NHVTENANT
(that's: star, star, N H V T E N A N T)

Spirit baby

 

 

The Journey 

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

~ Mary Oliver ~

 

I love Oliver's simple message of struggle towards being your true self.  It's more than a climb, more than a long walk, more than a heart full of all the best of intentions.  There are slips & slides and beautiful re-inventions.  

 

Often times it's so easy to be what others see us as.   I can tell you that without the struggle it will forever feel like that shoe that doesn't quite fit.  Who are you really without the struggle, the journey?

 

One should be  tested in this life, but never in such a way as to be demeaned or belittled... told they are less than they are or can be.  Our journeys through this world are not to be judged but celebrated.  We are all  equal.

 

Do you have  SPIRIT  ? ?

 

 

shedding useless armor

Would I still love me... (would you still love me?)  if I wasn't tough enough.  What if deep down I found out I was:  breakable and felt sometimes unmendable?  Would you still love me I wasn't  keeping it altogether?  Some days I may not smile but I'm working through this rolodex  of emotions and I need this moment to just let go and feel.

 

Understand that underneath it all the same joy and gratitude for just being alive still beats within my heart.  I have been so fortunate in this life.  It sounds so trite to say, every day is a gift but truly it is how I feel.  

 

Some days I'm quiet.  It happens.  Please just know I'm working it out and it may take me awhile.  To shed needless armor is so hard.  I have every confidence I'll get there... if not today, eventually.  

Afterall I've gotten this far.

You Are My Sunken Treasure

Sunken Treasure

You are my  sunken treasure.

Forced down into the depths of your tears and despair.

The sun still shining upon you as the gale winds blow the aqua mist of the ocean’s spray 

about your face… hiding your true beauty all the more.  



You are my sunken treasure.

Immersed in the sea green kelp I see you from where you try best to hide…

your heart upon the waves of the ever crashing tide.




You are my sunken treasure.

It’s you whom I adore.  Every time you look into my eyes I lose my breath, my thoughts,

My speech... Fumbled and incomplete…

Deep down inside of you is a beautiful soul I treasure…

Whom I can’t wait to meet!


 

 

Winding Trails...

 

 

Once a year about this time N.H.V. packs up and heads out to Winding trails -- a beautiful park where we eat, laugh and relax.  It's quiet there, but on this day the air was filled with uproarious  laughter.  

 

Below are a few photos of my friends and I...