I've been harboring a fugitive for awhile now.
You can't see her, but the effect of her presence is felt by me just the same.
She's the most un-welcome house guest ever! Often causing my jaw to set and my eye to frantically twitch at the most inoportune times. I've tried to no avail to negotiate with her to stop pulling at my hamstrings like I'm a marionette puppet, but She's mischievious and when you can't see her you'll know She's there. She causes my leg, feet, and eye spasms and a whole host of other invisible but well orchestrated aches and pains. She'll cause my current train of thought to derail for instance. What an engineer! She can even make me collapse like an accordion.
Who is She and why haven't I just told her to leave?
She is "stress." My body's reaction to a build-up of negativity both inside and out. Unfortunately, She can't be told to just hit the bricks so easily. She's well fed now with me. Feeding on a diet of anxiety and a broken self esteem and efficacy readings that run so low it could single handedly stop global warming. I say this now NOT because I am phishing to hear what I need to hear. I'm just stating: the real, the obvious, the present sitution.
Up until now, I always just took the shit that came my way. Often it was cruel, belittling, telling me in no un-certain terms I was nothing & never would be. I was to always equate this as love. Yes, LOVE. This means that I often times was made to feel someone else's misplaced guilt for my own happiness. So to those who don't know how to to use thier heart for anything other than breaking another's... in my heart I can no longer let you in.
I need to quell this feeling that who & how I am needs to be met with anyone's approval other than my own. Seriously, approval seeking isn't who I am. It never has been. So if who and how I am offends you, doesn't measure up to what you're looking for /or/ you feel the immense need to still tell me how I should live my life... Well, here is my fugitive. You can have Her. She'll love, love you and your insecurities that you've turned outwards towards me and with you She will be well fed on your ignorance that's for sure.
Oh, and lastly... yes as you can tell by now I live my life very candidly. So, I would be remiss if I didn't offer the following advice to those who only build-up the anxiety and stress fugitives rather than build-up the ones they profess to love & care about... which is simply, "go to hell!" There, I think I feel a tiny bit better already.